Observation is one of the most effective but underutilized tools in a parent or educator’s toolkit! Observation gives us the time and space to investigate behavior and get to the root. Without observation, we often respond impulsively and defensive mode, reacting to behavior and slapping quick-fixes onto symptoms rather than identifying and addressing the cause.
Next time you are dealing with a challenging behavior, we encourage you to step back, be silent, and observe. In this pocket of silence before you respond, there are a series of questions which you can ask of yourself.
What is my emotional state?
Children absorb our emotional state, so it’s tremendously important to be mindful of your own emotions. Ask yourself questions such as, “How is this child’s making me feel right now?” If you can identify anger or frustration, or other negative emotions, remind yourself that your role is to be the neutral and objective guide as your child navigates emotional waters. If the adult joins the child’s dysregulation, it is like adding gasoline to a fire, and the adult’s intervention will hurt rather than help.
A thought-provoking perspective is offered by Haim Ginott–an educator, child psychologist and psychotherapist. He said, “I am the decisive element in the classroom [home]. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher [parent] I possess tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or de-humanized.”
If you are un able to be the neutral and objective guide, it would be wise to take a break, step away from the situation for a few minutes, or ask a partner to step in and support the child.
What is this child trying to communicate?
All behavior is communication. A baby’s cry is communication that they are hungry, needing a diaper change, etc. Young children throwing a tantrum at bedtime may be communication that they are over-tired. An adult who zones out of a conversation is indicating that they are tired or bored. We are always communicating something by our behavior!
When a child’s behavior becomes difficult, ask yourself what they are trying to communicate. They often don’t have the words to describe what they need or what they are feeling. They may be tired, hurt, sad, scared, angry, or sick. They may have sensory needs (needing large muscle movement and activity, or may be feeling overwhelmed and over-stimulated). They may simply need attention.
It would be premature of us to jump in to ‘fix’ a behavior such as correcting a child for being whiny and clingy when the child is communicating to us that they are feeling sick. In order to respond to the child with empathy and understanding, we need to ask “what is this child trying to communicate”?
Is this behavior typical of the child’s temperament?
In order to answer this question, you need to know your child! Knowledge of your child comes with time and awareness built by observation. If your child who normally falls asleep without any issues is overnight pushing back, crying and needing extra cuddles, it’s time to dig a little further.
Is this behavior developmentally typical?
It is helpful to know what behaviors are typical of each stage of development so that you can identify if you need additional resources to support your child. Every child is unique, however we also understand that most children follow a typical line of development.
For example, biting is a behavior typical of toddlers, but if you have an older preschooler who is still resorting to biting, it may be time to talk to your child’s pediatrician. When we navigate separation anxiety with an infant who is 9 months old (typical of that age) it is different than navigating it with an older preschool child. A three year old having a temper tantrum is quite different than a seven year old.
Get to know your child’s stage of development, and look at the milestones as a guide to help you navigate
Has the child lived through significant changes lately?
Difficult behavior is often the result of changes that are significant in the world of a child. A new baby, a move, a separation, house guests, moving into a new bedroom or bed, a new school, a new schedule . . . all of these things can upset a child, but they usually cannot identify why they feel the way they do let alone communicate about these feelings to an adult. Extra time with, attention and patience from parents and careful attention to routine during these times can be an anchor to help your child weather the changes.
Are the child’s physical needs being met?
The authors of Socialization of the Young Child identify the basic physical needs of every child as being: affection, nutrition, safety, healthcare & hygiene, sensory stimulation, a home (shelter and warmth but also peaceful and calm), educational materials, rest, play, regular movement and independence. (Source.) When these “cups” are full, children are generally happy! Ask yourself if any of these “cups” are getting low and make time to replenish them.
Is the child displaying a misguided goal?
If the child is seeking undue attention, misguided power, revenge or is assuming inadequacy (the four mistaken goals as identified by Dr. Alfred Adler, Australian physician and psychotherapist) there are different responses that we can use to support and guide child. We briefly mentioned mistaken goals last week on our blog and will revisit these in a future blog post!
How can I meet their unmet need OR redirect the behavior?
Now that we have observed and investigated our child’s behavior, we are usually able to identify the best way to respond. Sometimes it is meeting a need the child has. Sometimes it is redirecting behavior. We will be sharing redirection tips and tools in a future blog post!
