“We must respect the child and he must understand that he is respected.” Dr. Maria Montessori
“Drop what you’re doing and come with me.” Your boss stands in the doorway of your office, waiting expectantly, while your mind bounces around between all possibilities. What does she want? Am I in trouble? Is something wrong with our project? I was in the middle of something; now I’ve lost my train of thought! But, you acquiesce, following your boss to the conference room as she tells you that you will be sharing a presentation with a client. We discussed a presentation, but I never thought I was supposed to do it! And the meeting was today? How did I miss that? I didn’t get a calendar invite! Your heart rate is accelerating, and your palms are clammy. You avoid making eye contact with the client who sits on the other end of the conference room table, and manage to talk your way through the presentation before taking your seat with a sigh of a relief, uncomfortably trying to silence a rumbling in your stomach that reminds you that you missed breakfast. Thankfully, lunch is in fifteen minutes. Except the meeting stretches longer. Your eyes flick to and from the clock, and the minutes inch by. You try to focus in on what the client is saying, but your thoughts wander. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this meeting? How did I miss that? How long is this going to take? Why isn’t my boss wrapping up the meeting? Shouldn’t it be over by now? How much longer will I be here? It’s an hour past lunch when, much to your relief, you are finally able to make your way to the lunch room. You savor a few bites of food, chewing slowly and looking out the window at the warm sunlight, finally able to relax. “I’ve been looking for you! You’re needed in the conference room,” interrupts your colleague. You try to explain that you were eating your lunch, but your colleague gives an impatient huff and cuts you off. “You aren’t hungry, you were just staring out the window when I walked in. Let’s go.” A while later, you are finally back at your desk. It’s taken a good half hour to get back into your project, but you’re relieved to finally have unbroken concentration, when you feel something hovering over your shoulder. “R-e-a-d not r-e-e-d.” You spin around in your chair. The secretary is reading over your shoulder. “What are you doing here?” you exclaim, your patience nearing its limit for the day. “Helping you,” she says brightly. “I don’t need help, I need to the time and space to do what I’m paid to do!” “Well then, someone’s feeling a little sensitive today,” she snaps back. “I’m trying to help.” You take a deep breath, trying to regulate your emotions as you stand up and motion to the open door. “Thank you for the offer. If I need help, I will certainly come and find you.”
Just reading that scenario might trigger the release of stress hormones for some readers! Most of us would start looking for a new company if we worked in a similar environment. Micromanaging? Poor communication? No value for the employee’s time? No trust in the employee’s ability to fulfill their job? Making demands instead of requests? Expected to be at the beck and call of a supervisor? We all know that a healthy work environment (which includes healthy peer-peer relationships and boss-employee relationships) not only is good for the company health, but it is good for the individual employee’s health and wellness. We do better when we feel better. (National Institutes of Health)
Hmm . . . but what does this have to do with children, you may wonder?
Let’s look at another scenario.
The child looks up, eyes blinking rapidly as he is pulled away from what he’s doing. Finally, his brain catches up with the words that broke the silence: Drop what you’re doing and come with me. “I don’t want to,” he says, having been enjoying studying the words in front of him. The demand is reiterated in the firm, non-negotiable adult voice and, with a pout, he stands up to join other friends who have already sat down at group time. His body, awakened from its repose, becomes restless, suddenly aware of the need to stretch the muscles that had been so taut while he concentrated. He stretches out a leg, bumping the friend next to him, who loudly objects. “Stop bothering your friend,” the adult reproves, barely sparing a glance to assess the situation. He tries to pay attention as the adult speaks, because he knows that snack is going to come after group time. But as the minutes go by, his body becomes more and more restless, and his rumbling tummy gives way to lowering energy levels as the group time stretches longer than usual. Finally, the adult dismisses the children, and he eagerly approaches the snack – but to his dismay, there is no snack prepared! The adult calls out, “No, no, children! Today we are doing our project before snack time.” He protests, “But I need snack!” “You’ll be just fine, it will only be ten minutes,” the adult says, ignoring the chorus of complaints. The child half-heartedly does the project, and when he finally sits down for snack, he eagerly eats a few bites before his energy levels begin to pick back up, and he happily turns to his friend, who makes a joke. Their giggles turn into laughter, and he accidentally slips out of his chair onto the floor. The adult comes over. “I can see you aren’t really hungry since you’re playing around. You need to choose an activity to do.” His protests that he is actually still hungry fall on deaf ears, and he is sat down at a table and a puzzle placed in front of him. “Do this,” he is told. After a few protests and a tear or two, he finally picks up the puzzle pieces and begins to fit them together. Each time they don’t fit as he expects them to, his brain analyzes and kicks into problem-solving mode. Despite himself, he’s drawn in to the puzzle. He gets to one particularly difficult piece, and he tries over and over, until finally he thinks he figured it out – but an adult whisks in, takes the puzzle piece in their hand and says, “Let me help you. This is how you do it.” The child stomps his feet and says, “I wanted to do it!” The adult frowns at him. “I was trying to help. Why are you so grumpy? Are you having a bad day?” The child simply glares back, barely able to understand himself why he feels the way he does, let alone communicate that to the adult.
In the first scenario of the adult employee, it is much more likely that we would feel a sort of indignation at the treatment received. The second scenario might not trigger the same strength reaction; however, we hope that it did give you something to consider.
Why is that we so often justify treating children without the dignity and respect they deserve? When a child is struggling with what we consider to be “negative behaviors”, it’s important to first start with a key factor in a child’s environment: the adult. Children, like adults, do better when they feel better. While they are still developing physically, cognitively, socially and emotionally, and benefit from the guidance and boundaries provided by loving, caring adults, they are still human beings who deserve to be treated with respect. It is always worth reflecting on how we interact with children, and taking the time to examine our (perhaps) unconscious attitudes and assumptions
- Do we respect the autonomy of the child?
- Do we respect the child’s time and concentration?
- Do we ask permission to provide help?
- Do we fail to communicate or prepare the child for what is coming next?
- Do we assume the child should be at our beck and call?
- Do we expect the child to maintain a cheerful disposition no matter how many times they are interrupted, pushed or pulled along the adult’s agenda?
- Do we truly listen to the child?
- Do our words and actions demonstrate to the child that we value them?
- When the child cannot communicate, do we take the time to observe and seek to understand before we make assumptions or take hasty action?
- Do we follow the child’s hunger and fullness cues? Do we trust that they know their own cues? (Interestingly, John Hopkins states that infants and young children are the best at determining their hunger and fullness cues!)
It’s never too late to do better.
“Children are human beings to whom respect is due, superior to us by reason of their innocence and of the greater possibilities of their future.” Dr. Maria Montessori
