Have you been on the receiving end of verbose meetings? Going back to your childhood, do you recall teachers who turned a ten-minute lesson into a fifty minute one, leaving you itching for silence so that you could move forward with the concept and get on with your day? Or perhaps it was a long-winded lecture from a parent or coach that added fuel to your frustration and resentment rather than convincing you of their point?
In parenting and teaching alike, the use of too many words can actually lead to negative outcomes. Psychology Today says that one of the worst mistakes parents make when talking to kids is “talking too much”, going on to explain that the human brain can only keep four chunks of information or unique ideas in short term memory at once. That is about 30 seconds (1 or 2 sentences) of speaking! (Source.) A constant flow of words, both positive and negative, prevents a person from having mental space to think, process, problem solve and respond.
Giving advice to Montessori parents, the Neenah School District says to “use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you’re not quite sure what it is you want to say.”
Dr. Anita Schmalor, psychologist and founder of Growing Up Connected, makes a case for speaking less. She says that in traditional, indigenous societies, there is “much less verbal instruction”. She also notes that children are “embedded in the community and participate (playfully) in daily chores; they observe and play for much of the day in mixed-age playgroups.” She notes that the adults around them are “deeply attuned and present”, and that children from these cultures tend to be “much happier, kinder, more confident, and more competent than children in our culture today.” (Source.)
Overtalking and overexplaining can stir up negativity, frustration, confusion, stress, and overstimulation. Even a constant check-in with our child (“Are you enjoying this? Good job! Isn’t that great?”) can detract from positive experiences. Some children may become dependent on constant feedback and become anxious and insecure without it. Others may be so overstimulated to the point that they tune out their parent, often leading to future conflict when parents become frustrated with the lack of follow through on the child’s part – “I TOLD you this already!” Parenting expert Denise Rowden says she often gives this advice to parents she coaches: “Explain yourself once to your child and then move on.”
It’s important to be concise, clear, and respectful when we communicate with our children, providing them with necessary information in “pieces” appropriate for their developmental stage. For example, a toddler will not understand why they cannot have your energy drink, and a simple, “No, this is Daddy’s drink,” will be enough to communicate to them that it is off limits. A conversation with a child in elementary school might include information about caffeine, while a conversation with a high school student might include even more information about the potential side effects of caffeine, recommended amounts, and making smart choices when it comes to caffeinated beverages.
There is also the right timing for talking. When a child is already emotional, they are unable to receive what we are saying. The best time for “teaching moments” (think coaching, not correction) is when our children are calm, peaceful and attentive.
If you have ever observed a Montessori guide giving a presentation (lesson), you may have been surprised at the amount of language used. It is precise, clear, and concise. There are pockets of silence where the guide allows her hands to do the instructing: the child closely watches her hands interact with the materials, unhindered by unnecessary words. Montessori educator Jackie Cossentino says, “There’s actually very little language used. It should never be silent, but there shouldn’t be too much chatter either. The child is learning to focus, and too much distraction undermines that ability to focus. . . chatter is actually functioning as a distraction for the child.”
Consider practicing respectful, thoughtful, and concise language with your child this week, giving room for silence and stillness!
“Silence is missing in human life.”
Dr. Maria Montessori
