Your toddler throws their block at their sister, and it hits her on the head, resulting in tears. It’s not necessarily done out of malice, but perhaps a natural curiosity about cause and effect. “We don’t throw blocks! Say sorry to your sister!” is rebuke that naturally comes out of our mouths.
“I’m sorry” is not a magic phrase that wipes away a wrong, but it can be restorative when it is given willingly and genuinely and when paired with restorative action. It’s important that we understand young children are developmentally unable to empathize or to understand what it means to apologize. It isn’t until the age of 3-4 that they begin to understand an apology can help an upset person feel better. This understanding builds over the preschool years, as children learn to express remorse and to demonstrate what researchers call “restorative actions”.
It is simply not developmentally appropriate ask our toddler to “apologize”, and even with our preschool-age children, it’s important that we don’t force an apology.
Instead, how can we encourage our children to give a willing and genuine apology?
Ensure both children are safe
This usually means separating the children, gently, but firmly, and giving them time and space to regulate their emotions.
Ask them what happened and how they feel
Typically, negative behaviors are not wholly unprovoked. For example, a child may be building a tower, and another child unintentionally or intentionally knocks it over. The child retaliates by throwing the block.
Asking open ended questions allows children to feel that you are being just and fair.
If your child cannot yet articulate what happened, you can narrate what you saw. “Your sister knocked over your tower and you threw your block at her.”
Encourage empathy
When your child is the perpetrator, it is our tendency to overreact, which can result in shaming our child. While shame can deter some children from further engaging in negative behavior, for other children it can result in defiance. Research also shows that internalized shame can contribute to anxiety and depression. It’s important that we treat our children with dignity, even when they display negative behavior.
- State the result of the negative behavior. “Your sister is crying, and there is a red mark on her head. The block you threw at her hurt her.”
- Empathize with the wronged child. “Does your head hurt? Can I give you a kiss? Do you need a hug?”
Encourage making amends
- Ask the hurt child how you can help them feel better and include the perpetrator in the restorative action. “Let’s go get an ice pack for your sister’s head.” “Please pick out a book to read to your sister.” “Let’s get her a glass of water.”
- If your child resists making amends, is sullen or defiant, the goal is not to force compliance but to model.
- You can ask your child if they would like to apologize.
- If you are concerned about your child acting in an unsafe way, you can let them know. “It looks like you are still angry with your sister. We cannot hurt people, so I need you to stay with me until you can be safe.”
Encourage self-regulation
- Ask your child what they could have done differently or what they would do differently next time.
- If your child doesn’t respond, you can give some suggestions. “Ask me for help.” “Tell your sister to stop.”
- Help your child think of ways to calm down when they feel upset: snuggling with a lovey, cuddling a stuffed animal, looking at a book, asking for a hug, drinking a glass of water, doing some jumping jacks or other forms of movement, etc.
Model what we want to see.
- A genuine and willing apology is best modeled. When you accidentally bump into your child and they take a tumble, when you snap at your child, or when you make a hasty, false judgment, make sure you take the time to empathize, offer restorative action, and give a heart-felt apology.
- Model self-regulation. When you are upset, you can explain, “I feel upset about what happened, but I’m going to take ten deep breaths to calm down.”
- Maintain a warm and responsive relationship with your child. Empathy cultivates empathy.
- Model problem-solving. “It looks like your sister wants to play with the blocks. Can she play with them when you are done? Or would you like to invite her to play with you?”
- Role play situations where you know your child struggles.
